This was not an easy post for me to write. For some reason I have difficulty writing in the Bay Area. I’m not sure if it is the comfort and routine of home, or if all the congestion (in the air, on the roads, etc.) dulls my muse. This was the best I could do today ~
There is always that period when you start something new where you’re waiting for the really meaningful experience/conversation/moment/whatever that is somehow definitive of what you are doing. You’ve got your eye out for it, but like most things it doesn’t come until you stop looking. This moment came today when, completely unexpectedly, I opened up to someone in my yoga class about something that I didn’t realize was bothering me as much as it was today. I hadn’t intended to, but it just kind of came out and then someone else joined us and the conversation took on a life of its own, creating a connection that we were all craving.
As we talked, I was surprised to hear my own thoughts and feelings articulated by someone else who had no way of knowing that their thoughts and feelings were mine as well. It is something that up until now, I had only experienced with Kim – those strange little currents of coincidence that seem to pop up in our lives. It was slightly ironic – three women feeling isolated and lonely, sitting together in solidarity. But unlike many ironies this one had a sweetness to it: We saw what was happening and realized that perhaps we were not as disconnected and alone as we might have thought.
The theme that kept surfacing during our conversation was “be-ing.” This idea that we already are everything that we need to be, that all we need to do is to let our light shine. In our philosophy class it was mentioned that “to become” is different than “to be,” as be-coming implies that we are not already. I mentioned how, in my own life, I fall into this mindset that with just a little more training, I will be… or once these requirements are satisfied, I will be able to… It’s the sort of mindset in which I fall into the misconception that I am somehow waiting for my life to begin, as opposed to realizing that what I am doing IS my life. It’s amazing what happens when I make this subtle adjustment in my thinking – it moves me from victim (and not necessarily in the “something bad is happening to me” sense, just in the “something is happening TO me” sense) to…well perhaps not quite love warrior, but something similar. Someone who has an active role in my own life. Someone who has the power to change my dream.
Later on, one of the women and I talked about belonging, or rather, not belonging. When she was asked by another of our classmates where she felt she belonged, she really struggled to come up with an answer because, for her whole life, she has felt like she doesn’t belong. And during another one of our philosophy classes when we were talking about a global connectedness and interdependence, she realized that she was going to let go of that question because she belonged everywhere. I found this statement compelling, not because of her revelation that she belonged everywhere – I sometimes arrive at that conclusion myself – but because she was going to let the question go. She was no longer going to devote energy to trying to answer it. This was the part that seemed revolutionary as lately I have been realizing just how much time and energy I waste “sweating the petty things.”
I thought about these words – become and belong – and saw that they begin with the word “be.” I thought this was a cute little etymological metaphor: That we should first BE and then the rest will follow.