Fussing

Ever since Kim went through the trouble of importing all her posts from her old blog to her new one, I’ve been trying to decide if I should do the same. It’s something I wanted to do when I first started this blog, but even though I figured out how to export all my LJ files, the task just seemed too daunting. Checking back in with myself a little over a year later and the task was still unsavory, and somehow this got me thinking about all the other ways in which I was unhappy with my blog – I still can’t figure out how to type in Japanese, or any other language for that matter. My Fotobook is always acting up. I’m not so sure about the layout anymore. I’m not writing anymore. And I’m paying for it.

Maybe I should just start over.

I looked into doing this on Blogger. But then I remembered that there was a new version of Fotobook that I was hoping would cure some of my problems. It didn’t. In fact, it made everything worse – as opposed to not being able to see just a few of my pictures, I couldn’t see any of them. So I checked out the support forum and noticed other people were having problems, too. Ha. There. I was justified. Until I noticed that everyone on the forum was complaining about having problems despite having the latest version of WordPress. It turns out I haven’t updated my WordPress since I started this blog. I think I was always afraid that if I did, my layout or something would get messed up. Anyway, after updating WordPress, Fotobook gave me no problems. This got me thinking about how I’ve been trying to update my theme for the last 10 months (because later versions of the theme promise to support Japanese) and have never been successful. Hmmm…I wondered if it was because later versions of the theme were only compatible with later versions of WordPress. This turned out to be the case.

A few tweaks later (posting only my travel photos on my travel blog, hiding my pages on this blog, shortening and moving “If You Have To Ask” to the sidebar) and my blogs are somehow better, even if they’re essentially the same (and I STILL can’t figure out the Japanese thing, but I’ll be working on it with renewed vigor). But I was so happy with the results that I decided that this blog was worth keeping. That there was more room for growth and possibility. And that motivated me to move all my LJ posts over to here. I had intended to export my files month by month, but for some reason I wasn’t able to do this, so I had to do it the way Kim did – copy and paste, copy and paste. It was a labor of love, let me tell you. I started my LJ in June of 2004 and wrote nearly every day. I wrote about the smallest things – things I’d read on the Internet, one-liners about my day. It was both more mundane and more interesting and I thought about how much more meaningful I seemed to think my life was then. It took me an hour and a half to copy and paste everything from 2004 and then only thirty minutes (maybe 45?) to copy and paste the remaining three years. I noticed that I hadn’t included anything about some big events in my life – my 21st birthday, graduation, my trip to Europe, my arrival in Japan. There are times now when I think I should write about something (most recently, my trip to the California Academy of Sciences), but then I don’t because it just doesn’t seem important enough. I think that I have gotten better about acknowledging my feelings, but I wonder when I started assigning so little value to the things that I do.

As I skimmed through entry after entry, I realized, with embarrassment, that I feel largely the same about my place in this world. I am still lost, still wandering, and worse, still moping about it. I’m so connected to this idea of wandering, that I actually have the word tattooed on my foot. When I got it done, I was thinking of it in a whimsical and poetic way, Sometimes I think of it as something I’m fated to do, a byproduct of my soul-searching. Other times, I tell myself that as soon as I find “somewhere I belong”, I won’t have to do it anymore. Lately, however, I have been experimenting with thinking of it as my calling – not something that is happening to me, but something I am doing. Not to make a totally cheesy reference to a less-than-great movie, but I feel a little like Nick Cage in Ghost Rider – I’d like to own my curse.

I’ve been having trouble coming up with a good New Year’s resolution – the only one I remember from last year was to read a certain number of books (a resolution that I met and exceeded) – but I think it has something to do with a concept I read about in The Four Agreements: Creating My Heaven.

Like my blog, I think that my life needs an update – something to make it more compatible with the new “plugins” I’m trying out, a reason to go through with the effort of trying to make it whole, instead of scrapping it and starting over.

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2 Responses to Fussing

  1. kim says:

    Parallels still, no? I like your changes. And I like the idea of continual wandering, because even when you find a place, you still somewhere to go, right? Hope all’s well.

  2. Audrey says:

    i like the way you said that. it makes it seem like it’s about living and experiencing and not about being lost…

    i noticed in my email that i have three messages from you starred. which means it’s officially time to write you back =P

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