Incomplete Thoughts With A Common Theme

“Dark and Twisty”

…I know it’s just a TV show. That it’s not real. That none of these characters are actually me or any of my friends. But I freaking love Grey’s Anatomy. I was reading some online blogs about the show and the common thread seemed to be that there was something for everyone – i.e. that there was something in the show that everyone could relate to. And it’s true – this week I’m Meredith. I’m dark and twisty inside. I have the father I don’t talk to, the tequila thing (okay, not actually tequila; I prefer whiskey) and the inappropriate men. I’m scary and damaged and self-absorbed and don’t believe that I deserve to have good things happen to me. I guess that last bit is the most disconcerting – that I don’t feel I deserve to have good things happen to me. Nobody wants to be scary or damaged or dark or twisty because of the negative connotations associated with those words. And when you’re identifying with such negative language, it’s hard to believe that you can be a good person in spite of it…

“Addicted to Love”

…Eddie was explaining to me how lately he’s been feeling unfulfilled. He said that surfing used to be fulfilling because every time he went out there was something he could work on and that at the end of the day he felt like he’d accomplished something. Now he’s gotten to the point where there are good days and bad days and he can never quite get back to the way he felt when he first started. He compared it to the way heroin addicts are always trying to recreate that feeling of their first high. I said that I felt that this could apply to a lot of things – learning a new language, or even love. I’ve spent the last year thinking I was looking for a relationship, but really I’ve been looking for love – for that connection, that intimacy, that desire and need to be with that one person above all others…

“Scar Tissue”

…I’ve been reading Anthony Kiedis’s autobiography, Scar Tissue, and while it’s not the most insightful work I’ve ever read, he is a candid writer and knows how to tell a good story. I find myself riveted to this novel the same way I am to the Chili Peppers’ music. I would be so embarrassed to meet them because I don’t know anything about music or the music industry and I don’t even know that many bands – I love their music because of the way it makes me feel. It sounds so cliche, but it’s the truth. Listening to their music makes me feel nostalgic and pumped and excited and melancholy all at the same time. I can never just passively listen to one of their songs – I always involuntarily begin to pay attention because there is an actual physical feeling associated with listening to their music. I felt it the first time I heard them on the radio, which is how I fell in love with them in the first place, and it’s the same feeling I still get whenever I hear them now…

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